Honest moment...

You ever just wanted to be saved? Saved from the pain that you're use to. The pain is so normal, it's a cope. It's like the sickness is the cure. You're afraid of what's right, yet, the wrong is so addicting because you're familiar with it. How long will you lie to yourself? How long will you settle? Who leads the blind? Who cares for the souls that care too much? Who helps, "the help". Words mean nothing to those who aren't connected. They don't understand that the tongue is powerful. The power of the universe and frequencies, the vibrations of love. Do you live in wholeness, or is your walk filled with selfishness instead of selflessness? Do you know what it feels like to disappear daily in darkness without a spoken word of love received? Can you grasp the ache of a soul that feels alone, in a world filled with people? Who dares to be light, in someone's dark times? Perhaps you know a box filled with jewels are worthy, but none want ownership of such a rare commodity. How do you make logic of that? How does one not want to partake in greatness? What is love? How can you want love so badly, yet, ask of its being? Suffocating in ideas of what it is, to only not know of its existence, because you've never experienced pure mutual euphoria. To be saved, is to be loved. God is love. Jesus saves, and those that walk in his love are light. I'm tired of being in the dark, will you lead me, and be my light? 

This opened up some feelings today. Two minutes of pure bliss. Listen...

Realization

So what now....

What's the plan girl? 

You have your options and your plan didn't go accordingly.

What's the plan girl?

Did you have back up?

Now you know, that life is simply trial and error. 

Nothing goes accordingly to the plan, and there is no right way, for there are multiple paths and perceptions of this world. 

Happiness and success is defined at your own expense, and experiences. 

So what's the plan? 

Now that you've hurt, and you've seen some of the world, do you wish for the things you did once before?

What changed, if anything?

What's the plan girl?

Cause you only get one shot at this, and tomorrow isn't promised. So I ask...

What's the plan girl?

You realize there is no plan....

Because you know nothing. 

There are no re-do's

So why did you plan in the first place?

What were you trying to accomplish???????

You didn't stick to the manual...

And now you realize that all of life's purpose has nothing to do with your plan, but has everything to do with the world.

So what's the plan for the world?

What's your purpose?

What are you seeking?

When all along, you asked yourself what the plan was...

You should've be asking:

What am I doing? 

Sobriety

Just tired of the waves moving this boat...

An uneasiness comes over me, over stimulating me with unhappiness. 

Maybe it's not real for you.

This is a repetitive familiar feeling.

What's worst?

Experiencing truth, and never being able to grasp it, or never knowing the truth at all, when you seek it so desperately? 

Am I paying truly for my sins?

Is this infinite karma?

Cause if hell is worst than this, I would die twice in spirit.

I want to go crazy, cause I'm already there.

Might as well show what I feel.

When you've had all the flavors, which one becomes your favorite?

Or do you beget greed, and all flavors are recycled and indulged in circulation? 

Maybe you don't feel obligated to choose, because you don't need me like I think.

Maybe my perception is blinded by my own needing.

Am I selfish, or righteous?  

This isn't mutual. The scale is too high in polarity.

I'm screaming in the dark, and you aren't willing to be light, when I need you. 

Because if you were, by all means necessary, there would be an us.

We are not joint.

We are apart.

Literally.

We are apart.

I have to shake this. I have to rehab this addiction, because there is no fixing unless you're mine.

But I guess that's the issue.

I don't own you.

Love isn't ownership.

So this is false.

This is a drug.

And drugs aren't healthy. 

I need to be clean.

I need to get you out of my system...

  

The discovery

When I looked up, no one was there.

When I looked for a reply, there were no answers.

When I fell to my knees, others judged and loved to see me down.

They wanted me weak, like the last days of man.

Like the breath of a dying prey.

They wanted my heart to feel sorrow,

Like the death of a beloved soulmate.

Why do you curse me with evil spirits that do not know of love? 

Why do you punish your child?

Have I not a heart of righteousness?

I thought I knew love; man is stupid.

You strengthen me, and I was blind to discipline. I disobeyed thee, countless times. 

I lacked the understanding of true love.

True enlightenment.

Ignorance was bestowed upon me, due to selfishness. 

My father, your mercy has no measurement.

Your grace is like the fine thread of golden infinity.

Your love loops forever in wholeness, and your ways are beyond grateful.

Father of many names; Mercy, thank you.

You allow me to fly, but never let this bird die.

Why you wanna fly back bird?

My destination is in your hands, and you knew this all along.

They said: you ain't never gonna fly...

How dare I question the magnitude of your plan.

Who are they, compared to you? 

I am foolish to even question your ordained purpose!?

Bound; I fall to your glory, with thanks of the understanding that I am nothing without you. 

What purpose do I serve without the lord? 

For who is more great than you?

Rhetorical questions I ask, knowingly that you are all.

The beginning, the end, the love of my life.

You hold my breath, and death, but all redemption.

Spared is the scorn.

Who can find another like you? 

You are it.

The definition itself.

You are the most High.

You are love.

You are everything. 

The Plea

True torture is knowing the one you love, and settling. 

Why won't you fight for me?

Why do we settle, when our hearts connect instantly and twin flames burn brightly, despite  our distance? 

We remind each other that we are not what we see, but can feel what we are. 

Your energy is draining me, cause you're fighting what's natural. 

This love is covering a multitude of mistakes, and forgives all. 

I need you to be strong, and not torture me. 

Don't torture us. 

Lust is lies. 

You don't lie to me. 

I don't lie to myself.

That genuine soul of yours is recognized and appreciated. Strong, yet dangerous you are to have played on this devil's playground. 

I feel your roots implanted in my garden, yearning for the sprout.

Won't you let my light shine, in your darkness, and allow the rays to raise awareness of this lovely bliss. 

Damn. 

When we're communicating it feels like prayer. All always ends in forgiveness, even when we don't understand...

....but what I do understand is, that this is real, but you won't let it live....

Conscious

This black hole 

Whispers truths that haunt my daily mental 

Emptiness 

Embarrassment 

Disappointment. 

How dare you be ungrateful when you have all your limbs intact...

How dare you speak one negative word, when you breathe clean air, and speak clear from the comfort of a bed?

Your ability to type, is of the essence of a working brain...

The simplicity of life, do you not agree is no where near worthless?

Or do your selfish wants overcrowd your appreciation for the comfort of the necessities that you have?

My child, do not let your eyes blind your soul...

Have you not appreciated the rhythm, blood flow, and repeated in sync beat of your heart?

Don't you know, instantly your blessings can be paused indefinitely?

Why do you complain of such pettiness, when life is in the spec of your breath?

Who are you trying to please, if your thanks aren't unto life?

What more do you yearn for?

What more must you seek to become whole? 

You have forgotten your roots.

You've manipulated your mind to man's power.

Stop complaining.

The breath should be used to speak of love, and appreciation.

The people are only smart, when they realize, they know nothing.

Become free again, and never turn back .

Vibrate higher. 

Survival

frustrated
feeling trapped
yet free.
how does one, explain the colors she sees in a black and white picture?

how does one give energy to the dead?
I can tell you don't know what to do.
Though it might hurt, I'm going to tell you the truth.
....at least most of it.
the rest, you have to seek.

I wish, we could share energies.
...need me like the air you need to breathe.
you're saying it's too late, like I had a curfew with you.

seems like music appears to be the only expression for communication for my feelings?
Though I'm rarely feeling...
it's nice to know, those emotions, that are suppressed, can be expressed.

I wish...
I had more for you,
but this is it.
I don't think I can live with this...
....it can't get anymore real, than this...

what does a caged tiger think on a daily basis?
no one cares,
but dares not to get close, do to fear.
they would rather admire the beauty from the outside,
but not truly understand the inside...
the results of the cage,
the effect it may cause...
but when that beauty turns into a disaster...
and snaps...
it is killed.
never understanding,
that it was truly...
indeed...
a beast.
.....an animal...
..............................of nature..
..............................................that was designed to be free.

caged am I.
with all the resources around...
but caged...
...to the systematic chains of these people...
frustrated.
not being understood.
admired.
but not wanted, or needed.
alone, I survive.

How to Enjoy Being Alone!

LYRICS: Tory Lanez•N.A.M.E

Girl it's obvious you got

Some problems
It's obvious you got some issues
But if God sent me

All in your life

It's obvious I'm here
To fix you
When I can't go no longer
I need someone stronger
To hold on to get through
And I will stay by your side
Girl you know I'm gone ride
Come to your rescue

Perception

sitting at this desk
wondering...
what motivates the wind to blow against the trees and grass?
sitting here at this desk, wondering why must I promote my art...
why aren't others just as enthused as I to wonder of new beings?
what really matters...

sitting here at this desk, noticing the walls are plain, without life, beige and colorless...
who chose this color?
did they not think of color temperament for the work place?
who cares for the souls that care?

I see these white flowers from my desk...
they seem to be the only that have bloomed in the bristle.
thriving in such a mess...all I can see around them are sticks, and naked trees.
still, they give life, and are seen, in such an unattractive space.
why are they the only in sight?
they have brought upon a peace to my view...
we share a common life.
we share a common aura.
we share a common loop.

this view changes things.
this view is now appreciated.
I begin to love this view.
I begin to appreciate the bristle,
it allows the flowers to thrive.
to show...
to be seen...
it is beautiful.
it is life.
it is me.
it is I.
thriving.
shining.
living.

Just a Nobody with a Problem that You Don't Need to Know of

Just a Nobody with a Problem that You Don't Need to Know of





Check out this blog!!!! I loved her instantly!!!

Lord GOD, I just want to say...

Thank you. Thank you for your mercy, when I am stupid, selfish, hard headed, and mean. Thank you for your grace, when I have anger and hate in my heart. Thank you for a brand new start each day. Thank you for a second chance, and thank you for bringing me through always, and never leaving me. Thank you for curing me. Thank you for good health. Thank you for bringing me through my worst fears in life. Thank you for keeping me sane. Thank you lord. Thank you for making me wiser, and stronger. Thank you for my gifts, even when I feel some times it's a curse. Thank you for comforting me, when I'm lonely, and touching my soul when I feel unworthy. Thank you for your love, and for keeping me believing in love, because you are love, and love conquers all. Thank you for my breath, and for allowing me to birth life into this world. Thank you for my daughter and for my family, and for the people that love me. Thank you for showing me to see things in different lights, and for changing my perception, and allowing me to grow. Thank you for speaking to me. Thank you for teaching me, and forcing me to be patient. Thank you for what you're going to do, and for always delivering and keeping your promises. Thank you for everything. Thank you God. Thank you for your love, it's so amazing. It keeps me praying, it keeps me warm, even when I want to be cold hearted. Thank you for your power!!! Thank you, I can't thank you enough!!!! Selah!!!

References for The foundation; friendship

Proverbs 17:17 

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

1 Corinthians 15:33 

Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

Hebrews 10:24-25 

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

1 Peter 4:8-10 

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:

Romans 1:12 

That is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Hebrews 13:5 

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Proverbs 27:5-6 

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Psalm 55:13 

But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend

Philippians 2:20 

For I have no one like him, who will be genuinely concerned for your welfare.

FIRST REACTION - The Life Of Pablo (Kanye West)

YOOOO!!!

I LOVE THIS GUY!!!

THIS WAS PERFECT.

IN MY HEAD, WE ARE FRIENDS!!!

SPREAD YOUR LIGHT!!!!

VIBE.

Be confident in yourself, especially when no one is looking!

NEW TOPICS TO RESEARCH. EDUCATE YOUR MIND.

1. HUMAN CLONING
2. FALLEN ANGELS
3. THE ORIGIN OF WHITE PEOPLE AND ALIENS 
4. ANNUNAKI, ELOHIM NEPHILIM, ANCIENT GIANTS, REPTILIANS, THE VRIL SOCIETY, AND THE HOST
5. THE SECRET ABOUT ANTARCTICA, AND FLAT EARTH.
6. LIES FROM NASA
7. ADMIRAL BYRD AND ANTARCTICA
8. FIRMAMENT - THE UNBREAKABLE GLASS CEILING
9.  OBAMA EXPOSED
10. THE BOOK OF ENOCH

EFFORT AND FAITH

Greetings great people. 

As I sit here, and listen to my music, and vibe, I just smile.

I thank God so much for where I am, and how he has brought me through this thing called life.

I have learned that every choice that we make is so important to our life,

but I have witness God's mercy and grace, more now, then ever.

When my heart is filled with anger, and frustration, he always shows me, that if I just worry less, and trust more in him, that all that needs to be, will be.

I am learning this every day, it is easy to say worry less, but there are certain things we must understand in this world, before we can actually start to live in this truth.

He who angers you, controls you....that shit is true as hell, lol.

Sometimes, we just need to do what we need to do, and I say this all the time.

It was recently put to the test, when I had to make some financial choices, and though it was truly bittersweet, the reward was beyond what I asked for.

I want to encourage everyone, that anything is possible. The key to getting what you need, is effort and patience.

Patience, I have prayed for, and it is funny, because you should be careful in your prayer.

He will give you what you need, just sometimes, not in the way you want it.

again....

Needs vs. Wants

though I get frustrated, I can say that I am in a way better position than I was last year, and I am in CONTROL of MY life.

when you understand too, that you can not control others, you will be more happy as well.

you can not control your boss, or coworker, or mate.

DO NOT LET THESE PEOPLE STEAL YOUR JOY, OR DETERMINE WHAT IT IS THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO. PROTECT YOUR ENERGY, SO YOU CAN RECEIVE WHAT GOD HAS FOR YOU.

I was so miserable from what others had done, said to me, and their actions, but recently, I woke up, and decided, that I am going to choose my mood, I am going to protect my energy, I am going to protect my peace, and I am going to make shit happen.

If not you, than who?

I will speak my mind, and allow others to do what they will with the information I give them.

I do not get upset at how they react or feel, especially if it hurts my feelings.

yes, it will be frustrating when you start to practice it, but when you feel that negative feeling come on, ask yourself, why is it, that you feel like that...

and then, change it.

become the greatest alchemist, that you can be.

turn all your negativity into positive vibes.

practice this until it becomes habitual.  

nothing great comes easy, and I am realizing this.

Take a chance.

Go for what you know belongs to you.

that job

that love interest

that car

success is your own definition, and it happens now.

success is waking up everyday

going hard

another day

chasing your dreams

loving

speaking

being

that is true success.

if you believe that God will put you exactly where you are suppose to be and will also show you mercy like no other.

HAVE FAITH!!!!!

I hope this message speaks to many beings today!!!!

NEVER GIVE UP!!!!

SELAH.

Clueless

Why won't you take a chance? 

Why won't you dance? 

Even if you don't know how...

Why won't you break your stance? 

What are you afraid of?

Is this something you even want?

What do you even think of?

When you're smoking that joint...

What is on your mind?

What does your soul feel?

Why are you truly guarding those emotions?

Has your heart even healed? 

Are you stuck in the past?

Thinking things will not last?

Are you basing the present on mistakes, and think we might clash?

Are you in love with someone else?

Am I getting the wrong idea? 

What is it that you truly want, cause nothing seems to be clear?

Do you need a friend?

Do you need prayer? 

Do you want to be in love?

Or you just need someone there? 

Are you mad at the world?

Do you feel abandoned?

Do you not trust me?

Or feel people lack the understanding...

That you too are human,

And don't like to be played with? 

Are you tired of settling, 

and feel complacent? 

Do you feel whole?

Do you feel alone?

Do you feel out of place?

Or do you feel at home? 

Do you believe what they say,

Or do you just listen and pretend?

Do you even believe in love enough,

To try this again?

What is it that you want?

What is it, that you need? 

I'm asking all

These questions...to know if it's really me. 

Value

Many times in our life, the road less traveled is a very lonely one, but a very fulfilling one. If you knew at the end of the road, your dreams and goals where there...but the road revealed that everything you feared, was standing in the way, would you still take it? 

The funny thing about the truth is it can't be tainted nor changed.

It is, what it is.

Many times in my life, people have tried to tell me, who I am, what I will never be, or was just plain jealous. I never understood because I tried so hard to be nice, and understanding, and logical, and to me, it would all backfire.

I wanted people to love and like me, and see my greatness in which I believed in myself....

Well it seemed to feel like it did, for a little while, like they would love me, or like me, but everyone started falling out of my life....

I begin to wonder why, and started analyzing myself....

I had to be the issue right???

....but now I realized, in just the last 6 months that it was me staying true to myself and cleansing my space. 

I was protecting my peace and didn't understand it. 

The more you stay true to yourself, and don't mind humiliating yourself for your truth,the closer you will be to your passion, goals, and will live a happier life. 

You might not be where you want to be in life, but you can live in truth, and truth always wins and puts you in a righteous place. 

James 5:16 

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Psalm 34:19

The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all;

Psalm 37:16

Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked;

Humiliation for truth, isn't really humiliation. It's humbling yourself, and allowing yourself to feel emotion, and learn. It is gaining knowledge and letting your light shine. When you let your light shine, you walk in love, love changes your perception on things. 

So the one person that use to piss you off, you feel sorry for them now, because you understand, they can't comprehend just yet, thier own truth, and what it means to truly love and live.

 When you're in control, you're truly in control.

You're  able to explain why it is you do everything. You can be honest with yourself. You can find out your needs. You can make choices that benefit you, instead of hindering you, or hurting you. You can see people for who they truly are. 

I challenge everyone who's reading this to start asking yourself why more often to your actions, instead of why, of what's going on with others.

Remember, you are the only one in this world that you can truly control. Once you control yourself, it is there you can spread your light and influence others. Everything you do, do it out of love, because love conquers all. 

Worry increases pressure, and prayer increases peace.

Reflection

Something that I don't do often, but I need to do at least once a week...

I did today. 

I sat in my feelings.

I played with my emotions.

I like to write about my emotions, but I never like to deal with them head on.

I asked myself why.

I figured out it was between two things:

 one I don't like to feel weak...when dealing with them, I feel weak...

and two, I have been through so much verbal abuse, I find that my defense mechanism is shutting down and being quiet, and blocking out how I really feel.

There's a lack of expression period in today's society...when I look around, it seems that everyone is doing what they think is right, and not staying true to themselves and knowing what's best for them. 

My biggest issues I realize all my life is I always looked for validation from others about how I feel, and when you say that out aloud, or look at me writing it, it sounds dumb as fuck. 

How can someone tell me how I feel about anyone, or anything? 

They can't...

With that being said, I mediated today, and promised myself that no matter what someone thought about what I am true to, I vow to keep walking in love and expressing. I vow to stay true to my thoughts, feelings, and my actions. I vow to be rooted in my "I am" chakra and accept what comes with it. The universe is listening, and I want to receive what I put out. God is love, and love is forever. 

The win

I always throw my heart away 

I throw it out 

I spit the truth 

I can tell the disconnect 

I can tell the feelings that occur 

I can feel the guard 

I can see right through you 

I still always accept it 

Any time I feel a piece of happiness I linger

Head on your chest 

But your heart is so quiet 

We use to talk all night long

Now we laying in silence 

That song be playing in my head 

Shit be so real 

Life keeps going 

The feelings always stay the same 

The candidates switch up

The hope remains 

The brain feels insane 

Shit gets all out of alignment 

Then reality hits 

I be on a mission

That people can't explain nor understand

Everyone has a passion 

Mine just seems to feel like a game 

I'll play it 

I'll keep going in for the win 

I need some really big rings

I'm going in like Jordan in the fourth 

I'll die for what I believe in 

Just know 

They always come back 

They always retract 

They try and call me crazy

But they really want baby

But I always keep going

Never looking back 

Never back tracking 

Trusting 

Ensuring 

That all

Will be

For me

Forever 

Loved

Clarity

I see everything better today. I will act accordingly and move smarter. Balance is the key. I have to stay loyal to my speed, and trust myself more. I have to be strong in my mental, and cautious with my emotions. I will allow myself to feel, but will keep my actions limited. Learn your powers. Manifest your dreams, because they are your reality. 

what's normal anyway

JAYRENEE'S FAVORITES

1. MY  FAVORITE SONG
2. CALLA LILY IS MY FAVORITE FLOWER
3. LOVE JONES IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE
4. 1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7 IS MY FAVORITE BIBLE VERSE
5. BLACK IS MY FAVORITE COLOR
6. I LIKE MY HAIR SHORT BEST
7. MY FAVORITE MEAL IS A LAMB GYRO, EVEN THOUGH I AM TRANSITIONING TO NOT EAT MEAT ANYMORE (LOL)
8. MY FAVORITE THING TO DO, IS TO GO DANCING
9. MY FAVORITE SPACE IN A HOME IS THE BATHROOM
10. MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD IS MY DAUGHTER
11. MY FAVORITE RAP ARTIST IS KENDRICK LAMAR
12. MY FAVORITE SINGER IS LAURYN HILL
13. MY FAVORITE SPORT IS BASKETBALL
14. MY FAVORITE BASKETBALL PLAYER IS KEVIN GARNETT
15. MY FAVORITE OUTFIT TO WEAR WOULD BE NUDITY, LOL I HATE CLOTHES
16. MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD WOULD HAVE TO BE EUROPE
17. MY FAVORITE THING TO COOK IS AN OMELET 
18. MY FAVORITE MEMORY IS WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER KILLED A ROACH FOR ME, I HAVE A REAL LIFE PHOBIA OF ROACHES, AND SHE FELT LIKE MY HERO, AND WE LAUGHED FOR A GOOD MINUTE AFTERWARDS.
19. MY FAVORITE RELEASE WOULD BE, WRITING.
20. MY FAVORITE DRINK IS COFFEE 

Faith

Rare belle rebelled

Emotionally trapped 

jail hell

Controlled Whispers dance in sync 

With an irregular distinct heart beat 

Neglected soul,

never told

Of the past, reaped and sewed 

She Looks to the light to find help

From years of tears, silently whelped. 

A breakthrough was given 

From one decision 

To finally mention, the hidden tension

That rare belle should, and could see the light

That revealed her soul was truly bright 

For in her, he saw he warmed her soul

And understood the tainted destructive mold

From years, and years of neglect 

That did particularly, in her, take affect 

A precious jewel, turned into a wreck 

Survived, so strong, she did from faith 

Her love from God was not in vain

For his journey for her was special indeed

And if she kept faith, she would succeed

That in her gift, he gave to her

Had open the eyes that once were blur 

That with time, patience, and trust in his hand

That he would provide a special man

To love her forever long, as the water meets the sand

To be in the most high demand 

Amongst the human race, so foul

That she would be stunned in denial

That such a remarkable creature could exist 

And love her and she couldn't resist

That finally she could clearly see

Her pain, not in vain, was for her  love succeed. 

Simple mathematics

I feel the most normal alone

In the dark

I feel the most at home 

when I spark

I don't know what's out there, but I'm hoping to find it

Whatever it is, I feel it,

there's no denying 

I don't even know what I'm searching for 

Yet I do know

Now I'm starting to sound like a lunatic 

That's usually how it goes

I'd like to call myself a creative 

Or maybe even a dreamer 

But our dreams are our true reality 

And this reality is truly illegal 

Illegal in every aspect

Yet there's no unity, so they do as they please

I'm just trying to connect and link up 

And find the ones with similar beliefs 

Every time I think of what my passion is,

My head spins, simply because...

No matter what I seem to name,

The common denominator, ends up being love.

Forgiveness

Maybe the things people be saying about me are true

And maybe I just don't care 

Maybe my perception of me, is the only one that really is there

When I sit in this reality

And I claim it to not exist 

Others look at me in disbelief 

And be saying I'm making up shit 

When I believe in loyalty 

And talking things out 

People look at me like I'm delusional 

And then they start to shout 

My truth doesn't seem to match with anyone else's shit

No wonder why I fill so alone in a world that doesn't exist 

Exist in my heart 

Nor exist in my soul 

People never stay for the long run 

They just seem to take and go 

So tell me what's the point 

When everything seems to feel like a drought 

What the fuck am I searching for, that so long I've been without 

I can't make this shit up 

I don't understand their perception 

I don't know if it's their truth that annoys me most

Or their own deception 

I don't like this feeling 

I don't like not being in control 

I don't like fucking with these voices

All this shit been old 

What is your point when you yell?

Cause all I hear is fear

I'm not listening to that bullshit

Never wanted verbal abuse near 

Talk to me with reason 

Make me understand

Speak to me with volume 

Respect is what I demand 

I never understood people

That treat others so bad

I never wanted any of this 

I never even asked 

But do I speak with such anger 

No I continue to live 

Tell me how can you move forward

If you never forgive. 

I would rather die for the truth, than to live a lie..

People love to call you crazy.
Crazy, is something they call you, when they do not understand you.
I have some random thoughts I just want to write down, just for a free vent.

1. I do not vote.
2. I am trying to become vegetarian, because I want to eat what is from the earth, and not have to eat anything that was killed. The Earth belongs to everyone.
3. I see auras, (colors of energy) but when I do not meditate, I can not see them.
4. I meditate, and the secrets to the universe is revealed when you meditate.
5. I pray
6. The government has an agenda to depopulate humanity with media, diseases, militant force, and segregation. We do not have batteries in our cell phones, that come out anymore, because we are getting tracked by the NSA, so even when we power our phone to off mode, they can still track us. Get you an old school.
7. I am not perfect.
8. Everyone should read the bible.
9. B.O.B is my favorite artist now, because he speaks of all the truths that are happening in the world today, everyone should listen to his mixtapes: Fire, Ice, Psycadelik Thoughtz, and New Black.
10. The NSA has erased my shit before on my blogs.
11. learn about chakras.
12. Research: human cloning, New World Order, FEMA camps, all the executive orders that Obama signed, Mayans, Annukia, Depopulation, Georgia Guide stones, where HIV came from, Cure to AIDS, 911, the pineal gland fluoride, energy and healing, satanism and rituals, Bohemian Grove, and children sacrifices, just for starters...
13. Time is an illusion.
14. We live in the third dimension.
15. Research Astral Projection, and the pineal gland.
16. I try and raise my vibrations daily and spread love.
17. I am a loner.
18. My child saved my life.
19. I love hard.
20. I do Yoga.
21. I am a hypocrite some times.
22. Kendrick Lamar inspired me to start writing again.
23. I love to help and talk the homeless.
24. You need to invest in guns, learn to shoot, and grow a garden.
25. I do not believe in putting my money into banks.
26. I am practicing celibacy until marriage.
27. I cut off liars, even if it is the smallest lie.
28. I pray for unity everyday.
29. I am about to loc my hair.
30. Starting today, I plan to drink nothing but water, black coffee, and herbal teas. 

Spreading my light.

I'm about to start a YouTube channel and I'm excited. I hope I touch lives. 

Random Thought...

Today, I sat and felt his grace and mercy,
and it was in that moment I knew that there shouldn't be anything
I should be complaining about.
it was like, because I had given thanks today genuinely, that the universe filled my spirit with love and certification.
the energy that I was attracting from other beings were natural
and stimulating
so automatic, that I did not question it's presence,
and that was something that I had been struggling with.

It was a point in time in my life, where I would wonder the streets, and just be.
I would spark conversations with people, and get into deep feeling with them.
I would find myself dancing freely in a club, but having deep vibrant debates
sharing good conversation and beers with them.

in the middle of the club though? lol

like, I did not have a particular reason as to why I would speak to these beings, I just did.
I feel like it was the energy, or a contagious smile.
some people just need to get it out their system some times,
or some people just need someone to be there for them momentarily.
to interact.
to share ideas.
to bounce their vibrations off one another.

the euphoria we get from love is such a natural high, it is insane.

your presence is never wasted purposely,
only when it is given to people that do not appreciate it, and you know.
knowing is so powerful.

This was just a random thought for today...

The Creator's Gift

This is something that I want a lot of people to get into,  but again, the yearn for knowledge comes naturally, and you can spark a flame with two sticks, but only consistency will reveal the fire. 

In more of my recent post, I refer to the term "chakra" a lot. These are our main chakras. 

For years, well really, starting in 2009, I have researched different things. 

The Mayan culture.

New World Order.

African History.

Music.

The Bible.

Different Religions.

and many more things...

I was trying to feel this void, and could not really put my finger on it, but it just felt like I was not complete, and was missing something.

I was always asking, why, why, why...

then I came across something, 

and it was speaking of mediation, 

and the mind,

and love,

and traveling beyond our bodies,

and the secrets to the universe...

 and natural powers,

and healing...

and it is here I discovered the chakaras.

I encourage you to learn about them as well...

Explore

FEED YOUR 2ND CHAKRA: YOUR CREATIVITY CENTER, EXPLORE MANY SIDES OF YOURSELF, AND EXPRESS THEM!!!! I LOVE TO CHANGE MY HAIR EVERY 6 MONTHS, TO A YEAR. CHANGE FOR ME IS A RELEASE, AND I LOVE FEELING DIFFERENT.

27, and still... I do NOT have all of my shit together...

I thought, that at this age, I would have a lot of "things" accomplished...

this is me celebrating my 27th birthday...
I can be honest, and say that I have not made the typical, "American dream" choices.
I dropped out of college, married, and are now going through a divorce, with a daughter. To me this sounds like the average American fuck up, lol. Which appears very common, and honestly, I NEVER thought I would divorce,  because of my belief in unity and love... but that is another story, for another write...
I thought I was doing the right things in some aspects of my life, but I came to a realization, that I was doing what everyone else wanted me to do.
I was miserable, and felt like I had no real control of my life.
I have always felt like, I was not of this world, or something... I do not know how to explain this feeling...
kind of like how people are not in the same tax brackets, but at the same time I feel that we all are equal beings.
I feel self conflicted all the time, especially because my love for humanity. My mind, causes me to be hypocritical, because I can be so passionate about some things, but understand things for what they really are. Understanding, some times, can be very overwhelming, especially if the outcome is not of your wants. Blessings and gifts from the creator, can feel like curses at times for me, because it test your patience, and that is something sometimes I lack in certain aspects of my life.
I think we have been programmed to think, what the "right" thing to do is, and do not exercise critical thinking, and embrace self love.
I rarely hear encouragement, to be original, and stay true to yourself.
Now I am not here to point fingers, or throw a pity party for myself, because at the end of the day we have free will, and we have to take responsibility for our actions.
I just want to encourage someone with this post to be yourself.
Make your own happiness, and do not focus on time, because it is only an illusion.
You are great infinitely.
It is never too late to get it "right" in your life. You are your biggest devil and angel, so try and focus on the law of polarity, and turn your darkness into light.
The moment I started living for me, and truly believing in my wants and needs, I began to heal and live again. It all is a process, and growth is beautiful, just trust in the most high, and believe in yourself. This shit here is not easy, but do not beat yourself up, because everything worth fighting for is worth having.

I wish you could see yourself, through my eyes. I have never felt a love like this. You are my strength, and my reason to keep going. I love you baby girl.

9 mm

Changing my ways, as the days are changing

Expecting less, seems to cause somewhat of a depression. 

Numb is a new feeling, and never was expected

I call it bullshit, but in reality, all this shit is lessons. 

How many times must I hurt to believe again 

How much unnecessary, should one endure before they start snappin...

Am I acting in a passive aggressive manner?

Or am I really not giving a fuck? Where do these emotions differ?

I know I'm stiff on mankind, cause in them, no more, I no longer believe... 

Deception, lies, insecurity, have been brought upon me, they achieved...

I can't say that it's totally a bad thing, because I'm able now, to separate the real from fake...

And now I'm not so willing to give, so no one can take.

If you experience a piece of me, it's nothing more than a sample. 

Cause these days, words don't mean shit, and this here writing is an example...

Lies

In a beautiful life, I saw you chest to chest with me. 

Intertwining our love and sharing our seed.

We created magic, and you called me flower child. In a beautiful life, I'm your rib, and you're my heart. Protecting me from all evil, lust, and tainted things. Our unity represents our legacy and is infinity and beyond. In a beautiful life, you held me and were my light in the darkness. My sweetness in bitter times, my richness in a poor surrounding. 

In a beautiful life, all I saw was you and me. All I felt was love, and acceptance. In a beautiful life, I was the only, and I was of importance and felt complete. My voids were filled and all the days, never had timing, because all I knew was forever. 

In a beautiful life, all was true. There were no lies, nor sickness, because I was always kept, by you. 

My serenity in hell. How can that be? 

You made it possible, because you were my everything. You blinded me from chaos. 

I loved you so, I neglected myself. 

Nothing was truly the same, in a beautiful life. 

But life isn't so beautiful...

It was all a lie. 

You destroyed me.

You betrayed me.

Manipulative and abusive. 

Evil and selfish, misleading, you abandoned me. 

Gave me your seed, but never watered it. 

You never nurtured it. You never birthed it. 

You watched it grow, and struggle, and when it bloomed, instead of letting it be, you picked it. 

...Killed the life, and kept it captive, barely letting it experience the light, nor grasp for air. 

You never let its potential be. 

You sat it in your pot of hell, and left it to fight for its own. 

Like a raisin in the sun.

I told you! 

I told you I wanted a garden of hope. 

Filled with love and soil, a good foundation, to keep these roots planted. 

You promised.

You swore.

All you had was your word.

I took it.

I took it to heart. I gave you my life. 

My breath. 

My body. My soul. My mind. 

My everything. 

And you forgot me.

You used me.

You abused me.

You hurt me.

You destroyed me.

You broke me.

You misused me.

You picked my flower.

You let me die.

It was you.  

...and I still can't believe it.